Rebirth

'Was talking to Mikey today ( banned him in my peripherals for a few days afterwards...) about our so called social life.. or the lack thereof. I was getting depressed and he (a usual) was trying to cheer me up. Mikey kept rolling suggestion after suggestion. And I kept on giving reason after reason why his suggestions wont work. Have you ever had that "aha!" moment? I did. I told Mikey about it as he was instrumental for my "aha!" moment. A lot of dieters fail... because they try to do something that won't work on them. SIMPLE EH????? It took me years to finally figure that one out, so I guess it's not as simple a conclusion to arrive at(lol!). I rambled on... dieting... depression... restlessness... they won't work unless you custom-fit it to you. Mikey was skeptical but i wasn't. It was my conclusion after all, whahahah!!!!!!!!! But hey, that kept me going for the rest of the night. Did several things all at once.

Okey, so I was getting depressed and I knew why.. and that alone made it even more depressing. I felt restless... and bored... and cluttered... and with no directions whatsoever again. Refocusing won't work because I've tried it before. So I bravely faced my seeming depression and asked myself why I'm not doing something about it. The answer was easier to accept than I thought. Because I was in denial. No, i wasn't insecure about my looks... no, i don't care that i can't seem to find a lasting relationship... no, I'm not bored... no,... on and on and on. STOP!!!! and I did. Time for self-reflection. This time i was more cruelly honest. I created another template for my solutions. And everything felt different. Wow! Human psychology is magic.

Am I still depressed? Yes, but it feels a lot less stressful than yesterday. Do I have a plan..? YES! I am being pro-active again, yey! And Mikey is still banned in my brains, yey! La vie est ce que nous avons à faire de celui-ci!!!

I Can't Cry Hard Enough..

Jennnn....! I wanna cry... but I can't!!!! HELP!... I overheard her tell her confused friend while trying to enjoy her banana split. I normally don't eavesdrop. God knows I got too many gripes of my own.. but my curiosity was piqued. So I learned a little over to their side and pretended to be so engrossed with the pocket dictionary I was reading... and the story continued... They (our heroine and her man) had a wonderful time connecting in all aspects, but he still hopes she ( no, not our heroine) might finally love him one day. Nice. I wonder, if the woebegone woman was feeling the same thing i felt sixteen years ago when I gave the bravest, most painful advice to the confused man who actually was responsible for making my heart beat for the first time. I still remember the words I would later on cry over -- "there are people who were not able to change for the better for the mere reason that someone didn't give them the chance to do so.." Me and my big mouth. Gave her a chance he did. In fact, he did more than give her a simple chance.. he freaking married her. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I couldn't kick myself enough. Me and my big mouth.... and so, I wonder... is she feeling the same now? The woman who was shouting for help because she wanted to cry but couldn't? From the tidbits of information I so brazenly pieced together, she gave him surefire ways to win his ex. Aha! me and her... kindred souls. Me and my big mouth... she and her big mouth. No wonder she wanted to cry. I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and say, hey I feel for you. Been there done that... and no I haven't forgotten. It's not an easy feat to listen and come up with a very objective solution knowing in your heart that its also your heart's kiss of death. I wonder if the world will ever give people like us, medals of emotional valor for bravery and romantic suicide. I think it's about time.

Ok, so it's early morning and I find myself harping on the techsupport people of my internet provider. I know, I sympathize with them. But hey, what can I do???? I'm paying premiun for a crappy internet connection... sigh...! Ok, I'm not gonna continue harping here.

I slept late last night...as usual. But actually, it was an early bedtime for me. I normally sleep at 3am or 4am but I said goodnight at 1am. Yey, there still is hope!!! lol!

Christmas was ok. Nothing exciting in as far as personally. The usual visitors.. the usual spending... the usual food. I think the highlight of this particular christmas was the surprise long distance call from a friend in New York. Yeah, I guess that was it. It's been a boring year, whahahhahha!!!! Although I went to Japan for awhile.. that too was kinda boring, lol! Nothing new, nothing special. Or was it just me????

The past year passed in a blur. I started it with coming home from abroad and ended it with coming home from abroad too. Now that's a nice touch. Well, yeah, ok, it wasn't as boring as I thought. 2 travels? Not bad for a year...Maybe next year my travel will be more goal-oriented.

Anyway I made some goals last night. It made me feel less scattered. It always help me get a grip of myself. It gives me renewed focus.

Im going to the mall today with the kids. Let's see if I can accomplish some of the goals i set for myself, hehehe!!!

All Night Coughing, Yoanna, and a Thing Called Determination...

Hellllloooo home sweet hommmeeee!!!! As usual, I'm coughing like a silly japanese spitz. I'm getting tired of it though. It's been a week since i got back home and started coughing. I know I should be expecting this frustrating coughing and phlegm spitting to last at least a month like the others, hahhaha!... but man oh man, sounding like an old forgotten gay guy can lose it's novelty, too. Anyway, so there I was, coughing all night long in the hospital room and for he first time I was thankful i can't really sleep. The reason..? They had Amerca's Next Top Model marathon on tv, weee!!! Imagine watching the complete series in 6 hours minus the tv commercials and plugs. There i got introduced to Yoanna, that's season's winner. She was soooooo pretty i developed a crush on her right away. The more I got to like her when, during the show, it was mentioned that she lost 40 lbs months before the start of the competition. Yeah she was a hot chubby momma... and she had body imperfections... and yet she won... dang! She was determined... not bad for a night of endless coughing... you get inspired hahaha! Bring it on!!!!

It's my 3rd week in the Land of the Rising Sun. And, it's freaking cooooollllldddd!!!!! Brrrrrrrrr.... I was here last year but it wasn't this cold. Oh well, atleast I remembered to bring skin moiturizers and lip balms, lol! I came prepared, lol! Anyway I wanted to say oyaho gozaimasu but it seems like its not as early as I thought. Time seems to fly fast around here even when you're not doing anything much. I thought I woke up at 7am. It's almost lunch time now... no wonder i cant seem to lose weight in Japan. Everytime you check the clock, it's always time to eat... Itadake Masu!!!! hahahahahah!! I think from all the countries I've been to so far, only Japan has the most varied polite phrase for almost every action. I kinda missed people saying "etekimasu!" and "etadaima!" instead of hearing the door bell ring. And now, there's a new addiction I've developed -- Manga! hehehehehe..! I bought my niece the complete 1st series of Sakura Card Captor. I bought it because it had english subtitles for it's japanese conversation. I said to myself, this will be educational for reia-san. She was hooked as expected. What I didn't expect was that I would be hooked too.. and would her mom. Reia-san loves Sakura-san and I love kero-san and Yukito-san. Her mom loves Li-kun. It's now a family time when we watch this Clamp Anime series, and it is EVERY FREAKING DAY, lol! oh well...shoganai, ne? hehehehehe!!!

My bestfriend Bing

She was shy... I was outgoing. She was careful... I was carefree...

I had a long chat with Bing last night. She asked me one thing that was disturbing her mind. "How come I'm so scared to take plunge and walk down the aisle...?" Being the usual me, I gave her one specific answer followed by a barrage of examples.

..."Bing, you're scared of marriage because... uh..." Yeah, that was my answer. Lame? Maybe. For the record, she takes full credit for backing out twice at the last minute. At the last minute for each guy. Well, I exactly don't uderstand my bestfriend this time around. She's happy with her life... happy though lonely... but still... Anyway, so I started my usual let's-analyse-and-see-if-we-can-find-a-logical-conclusion litany. Her first real serious relationship was with a guy who actually had another serious thing going on with a girl she often saw in school. Was she aware of it? Sure she was. Hmmm, next. She fell in love with a guy who was near perfect except for 1 flaw. He thought he wanted to experience being worldly... and broke up with her. Right love at the wrong time..? Maybe... Too bad when he finaly realized that you don't have to dump your ever loyal girlfriend, she has already moved on. Touche! Ooook, next! Bing's started dating her soon to be first fiancee by agreeing to a long distance relationship signed through snail mail. Long phone calls and equally long letters resulted in her first ritualistic asking of hand. To make the long story short, if you noticed that i said FIRST fiancee... i didn't say that with no reason. Yeah, she backed out. Oh well.... next! "Next" came not after a few years of soul searching, self-searching, and literally going-out searching. Then came StarApple. He's part of our growing up years. They started to date... lost communication... went free flowing... met again... dated again... then decided to get married. Ok, 2nd fiancee actually turned out to be a nightmare... Don't ask why and how coz i won't let you in the big hoolabaloo.

Now all those so called significant relationship first hand experiences partnered with a sarcastically philosophical maritally separated bestfriend #1, 8 year engagement and a current financially difficult family life bestfriend #2, seemingly stereotypical catholic convert for married bestfriend #3, a handful of funny, lovable cheating married boy friends, a mom who discovered the joy of being socially vicible with a new set of younger friends minus her husband... on and on and on... I wonder why she doesn't know why she's scared of being married. Ha!

My bestfriend, Bing. We're so alike in that we are so different. So ok, I wasn't able to give me a direct surefire answer. I plead guilty. Now.... hmmm.. I'm actually now wondering why I wasn't able to answer her with all my so called logic and hands-on wisdom. The truth is, I'm wondering about me as it is. Do I wanna get married again..? How come I'm not finding it desirable to be in a committed relationship right now? I used to believe that I don't wanna die old and alone. Did I really have a change of heart? When????? Maybe I should change sexual orientation, hahahha! JOKEEEEE!!!

Again... my bestfriend, Bing. We're so alike in that we are so different. The difference in our similarity? She's scared of commitment with no actual experience. Me, I'm scared of commitment coz I had experienced it. Mind you, not just once. "Hahahaha" again. Maybe I should tell Bing to ask me again why she can't seem to commit. Who knows, perhaps this time i'll be able to give a logical surefire direct answer... or maybe not. CHEERS!